he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
