420 ftw
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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