Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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