Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Randomize
