If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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