Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
this just has baby written all over it
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
