You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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