I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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