After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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