There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
