yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
