is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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