Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.