if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
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Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.