Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"