fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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