how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
