fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
