Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Randomize
