Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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