im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
