The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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