i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
