I cannot find my penis.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
