My hand turned me down
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
