I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
