I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
