She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
its liver damage thursday
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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