Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize