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I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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