Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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