Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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