I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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