i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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