I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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