so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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