I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
