In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
