He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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