Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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