if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
