How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize