i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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