this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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