i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
