You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
