Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
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Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
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I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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