Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
