Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
