I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
