I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
