I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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