alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
