My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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