I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
