I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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