Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
