i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You left your phone here
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