i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
