Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
