Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
